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"Heero Yuy, L6, and the Second Suit Wars "Part 1Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: occurs post-EW, language, angst, sex,
hopefully acceptable OOC, 1st person POV (*shudder* sorry, no way
around it!), plus a ton of minor and a few major OCs (since it's 1st
person, you get to avoid dealing with them too much.) Pairings: 1x2x1 plus others TBD Summary: Jack Kaufmann has no recollection of the braided man who claims they were once more than friends, but his quest to recover his memories leads him to discover a plot much larger than himself that is a threat to the peace he'd once fought to protect... Author's Notes: This is gonna be a doozy of a fic, guys. I'm thinking 100k+. I'll likely update Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then take a brief hiatus between sections of the trilogy just to get all my G-boys in a row, so to speak. ;-P This fic starts off a little slow, in my typical psychological style, but will pick up into an action fic by the end so stick with it, please! =) The lovely Miss-Murdered beta'd this for me and frankly this story wouldn't exist without her encouragement. Oh and some of the topics I'm discussing here are waaaay out of my league so go easy on me, okay? My husband is a computer programmer and I've taken a few classes but my knowledge ends there. I hopefully know enough that I didn't make any glaring errors but no promises.
"Memoirs of a Former Life" 1.13 The Fall Saturday morning I went to the bank and got a print out of my account balance and took out ten thousand credits. They were understandably reluctant to give it to me, but I made up some excuse about booking tickets for an impending vacation and asked other convincing questions about how I could access my account from out of town. The girl behind the counter somehow came to the romantic conclusion that I must be booking a honeymoon and became overly curious about my plans. This is why I don't talk to people. Talking to people can get your feelings hurt. I told her Tahiti, wishing it were the truth. But even had I booked those tickets weeks ago and run away as Heero suggested, he would've come out sooner or later. Eventually, he we would have ended up just like we were now. At least, that's what I told myself as I left the bank. I made sure my bills were set to autopay, my rent paid in advance. I threw away anything perishable in my apartment. I wasn't sure when I'd be coming back. I suppose I should've requested time off officially from work, but it was too late now. I wasn't really in the right frame of mind. Once I made this decision, it was all I could think about. That and Duo. But what else is new? I arrived at the hotel late, around nine, the information I'd gathered and money I'd taken out wrapped up in a large envelope, tucked safely under my arm. It was late enough that he should've eaten but wouldn't yet be asleep. I doubted he would go out after nine, having such an early departure time tomorrow morning. Carefully, with the kindest expression I could muster, I walked up to the hotel desk and explained that I forgot my room number. The young man at guest services clearly attempted not to roll his eyes and I explained with as much embarrassment as I was able to portray that it was a big hotel. I gave him Duo's name as my own and he told me 3151. I thanked him profusely as I headed to the elevators, punching the button for the 31st floor. Part of me couldn't believe that I was doing this, that I was really this bold. This wasn't me. I was a researcher, better suited to my pleasant, private office, paid lots of money for my brains - not my brawn. But I guess the old adage is true, love makes you crazy. And I certainly felt crazy for even attempting to talk to Duo at this point. Too late now. In too deep. I knocked on his door. I heard the television and I knew he was there. But he didn't come to the door right away. In fact, it was at least five minutes before I finally heard footsteps. And then, they crossed the room several times, growing closer and then moving further away. Finally, the door swung open and his eyes were angry, contempt pouring out of them as he stared me down. "You couldn't leave me alone for one fucking day?" Duo spat and it felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I hadn't prepared myself at all for how seeing him again would affect me. How desperately I wanted to hold him, beg him to forgive me, take me back, forget Heero, drug me every night so he couldn't sneak out - But it steadied my resolve. I knew I was making the right decision. He wouldn't forgive me. He wouldn't take me back. He wouldn't forget Heero. "Look, this is it," I told him flatly. "I'm not here to beg for you back. As much as I might like that, I know it's impossible." His expression softened for a minute even as he studied me with hard eyes. Then he shifted, allowing me in, and I didn't ask for clarification, I simply entered. I set the envelope on the little writing desk and my eyes fell on the balcony to avoid the bed. I didn't need to be thinking about that right now. How he'd look laid against all the white fluff of the sheets and pillows. "Come out with me?" Duo asked, noting my eyes as he grabbed his e-cig and headed for the sliding glass door. I slipped out behind him and we leaned over the balcony, side by side, keeping a respectful distance. He stared up at the stars as he drew a long drag on the cigarette. I couldn't help but gaze at him out of the corner of my eye, the way his face was illuminated by the city lights. He looked tired. It made me ache to see him like that. I wished desperately that I had been able to take away his pain, instead of adding to it. "I'm leaving," I told him. "I don't want to be a burden for you." He exhaled vapor and didn't say anything, his eyes still trained on the sky. I sighed and continued. "That envelope I'm leaving you -" "Don't do that shit," he demanded, turning his head to level his glare at me. "Don't leave me some damned mystery envelope, just like last time. I'm done with that shit." I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. "It's not some mystery envelope. You can look at it, I don't care. I..." I hesitated, not wanting to make him feel guilty. "I'm not coming back." He snorted and his eyes shifted back to the horizon, staring out over all the skyscrapers of Geneva. Similar and yet so different to the way I had planned to introduce him to the city, in a restaurant overlooking the skyline at night, with his affection intact. "Make a promise you can keep," he retorted. "For what it's worth, I wish things had turned out differently between us," I continued, undaunted. "You know, as Jack. My love for you is pure, unadulterated. Maybe I was selfish at times and maybe I'm not enough for you but... Heero left me all of his love - for you." I noticed the slight tremor in his hands and he drew shakily on the cigarette. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to say it. I'd never have another chance. "I just need you to know that. That I loved you honestly. That I never meant for any of this. I just want you to be happy. I know that's all Heero wanted when he created me." "Fuck," he mumbled and his breath hitched. Duo pressed his eyes against the heels of his hands to stop himself from crying. I stared down at the street below, the little bits of cloth tenting popping across the walkway like bunting, people walking leisurely around beneath them, noting the different buildings, the landscaping around them. There was no road on this side of the building, just a large bricked pedestrian boardwalk. I wondered if we could be down there right now, walking along hand-in-hand, if things had gone differently. Maybe he would've even declined this hotel, coming in from his deliveries to stay at my apartment instead. Coming to my bed, wrapped in my sheets, laying in my arms... Yeah. Duo nailed it. Fuck. "I wish I could do it," he told me, his palms digging into his eyes as he rubbed at his face. "I fucking wish I could do it." "Why?" I asked, turning to face him for the first time, trying not to beg. I told him I wouldn't beg. I told him... "I don't know." His voice had a hopeless tone to it that made my chest seize. "I... You're just... It's not the same. You feel too much. You care too much. Heero... With him, there was always this distance. It grounded me. I never got like this around him because I knew he could let my shit go. He could let my emotions go..." Duo turned his head to look at me, his face wet with tears, and I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to do everything he didn't want me to. Tell him it would be okay. Lay him down on that big bed and kiss him so gently he would change his mind. He would change his mind and love me. "But you," he started again, grimacing. "You're him but yet you make me feel all this shit ten times more intensely than I ever felt before. I don't know if it's the time we were apart, or the way you look at me, but fuck. I can't do this. I can't feel like this every fucking day. It's killing me inside. It's killing me." "I'm so sorry," I replied honestly, looking back at the street below, feeling a sense of abandonment unlike any I had ever felt before. Feeling completely alone. I was causing the one person I lived for to suffer. This couldn't end soon enough. "No, Jack," he spoke quietly. "I'm sorry." We stood like that for a long time, each staring off into the distance, buffered by our own individual but not dissimilar thoughts. "Where are you going to go?" he finally asked and I sighed, not daring to look at him. "Can't tell you, defeats the purpose," I explained shortly, feeling like my time was up anyway. I told him what I'd intended to, and he let me know beyond a doubt that it was over. I couldn't bear the thought that I was hurting him, so I couldn't bear to be with him. "But I can't handle knowing you're somewhere out there," he gestured towards the stars, "and I can't reach you." "It's better this way." Seriously? What the fuck was he doing to me? He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to leave. It wasn't fair. What was I supposed to do? How could I do right by him, Heero, and myself? It was impossible. It was - No. It wasn't impossible. I just didn't want to do it this way. "I didn't want you to fucking disappear," Duo challenged me. I didn't have to look at him to know the way his eyes contorted in frustration, the way his lips twisted around the words. "I just wanted you to back off, give me a month to figure out my head." "Look, do you really want to know?" I asked, defeated, sparing a fleeting glance for his changed expression. I'd like to say it looked affectionate, but I didn't let myself go that far. "Yeah," he breathed, "I do." I hesitated a long time, staring at the street, calculating... Should I just do it? Here, now? Or should I make up some elaborate lie and hope he wouldn't try to contact me? This wasn't what I'd intended, but I guess it was as good as any other way. Maybe better. Maybe - "You once told me Heero fell fifty stories and survived. Right?" Duo chuckled. It was a sad little laugh, nothing like the ones I'd once dreamed I'd hear as I wined and dined my way into his heart. But it could've been worse. At least I got to hear it one last time. "Yeah, he was kind of a jackass like that. Shoulda just pulled the shoot," he recalled fondly, placing the cigarette back in his slightly curled lips. "But what's that gotta do with anything?" I turned around so my lower back was resting against the railing, my palms placed firmly on the cool metal. My eyes faced his, taking in his handsome face. I quelled the urge to touch it, forced myself not to lean forward and kiss him. But God it would feel so good just too - "It's for the best, Duo." My voice was breathy and he gave me a confused look. And in that moment, before he had time to react, I launched myself backward over the railing, watching those eyes as they widened in horror when he realized what I'd done. But then they were gone. And I was gone. And I felt the wind shift through my hair, pricking my skin, ruffling my clothes. And I closed my eyes, knowing it would be over soon despite how leisurely I seemed to move as floor after floor passed by me in slow motion. But on the back of my eyelids, I remembered. I remembered. I remembered he was curled up in bed, the blankets sliding off his prone and helpless form. His breathing easy, deep. His eyelids fluttered, sleep. And I stood over him. Me. His lover. His companion. His comrade. His trustee. His everything. I stood over him. Cool, calculating. He made me feel. Made me feel in ways I couldn't describe. Made me weak. Made me vulnerable. Everything about him a temptation, everything about him a fault in me. One look, one caress, one sigh, one groan. And I was on my knees. I was begging. Lovingly, with the gentle tenderness I couldn't help but give him, I brushed his bangs away from his eyes with the point of my pistol, caressing his forehead with it. Knowing that it was time. Time to destroy this weakness. Time to end my vulnerability. Time to kill him. And my eyes shot open, realizing in that perfect moment why Heero had done this. Why he had locked himself away from Duo. Why he had to destroy himself. But it was too late. Fuck.
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